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T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E
JULY 25, 2014
a u s t
i n c h r o n
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. c om
Luv Doc,
I just started dating a girl I really, really like except for
one thing – she has a lot of guy friends that she spends time
with. I have mentioned that this bothers me but she says I
am being silly and that they are just friends and that’s all.
Should I break it off with her before things get too serious?
– Fifth Wheel
Absolutely you should break it off, Fifth. Love is not for the timid. You can’t dip a toe
into love and see if the water is warm. You dive in bare-assed in the middle of December
screaming, “Geronimo!” because love is a ridiculously absurd cosmic joke and you’re the
punch line. If you are one of those people who doesn’t want to look like a fool, have your
heart broken, or start bawling at the Pizza Hut salad bar because “she used to love the
crispy chow mein noodles,” go hold up the fucking wall with all the other lonelyhearts so
there’s more room for the rest of us to dance. If you ask me this girl sounds like a keeper.
My guess is that she has a lot of guy friends for one of two reasons: 1) She’s smokin’ hot. If
so, good for you! You will be the envy of all your friends, family, and even complete strang-
ers who will objectify her based solely on her appearance. Get comfortable with people
thinking you’re out of your league because it will haunt you to your grave – or until a really
embarrassing breakup where you, seeming only slightly less paranoid than Alex Jones on
psychoactive mushrooms, will accuse her of sleeping with everyone up to and including
the Pope. No, she won’t take you back. 2) She is the coolest chick ever, and even though she
might have a funky grill, a lazy eye, or a Fran Drescher laugh, she is universally beloved
for her rapier sharp wit, limitless compassion, exquisite fashion sense, insatiable sexual
appetite, and her ability to field-dress a javelina on the tailgate of an F-250. She has many
other talents and interests that will continue to expand and amaze you until you slough off
this mortal coil – or, until you convince yourself she’s a serial sexaholic who is making a
fool of you with every man/woman on earth. That breakup won’t go well either, but at least
she will eventually forgive you. Oh, and no, she won’t
take you back. There is a very rare third possibility: that
she’s a combination of the two. If so, all the more reason
to throw in the towel right now. Here’s the thing: There is
no way to control what someone else is thinking. You can
only control what you’re thinking. I’m thinking you’re
not strong enough to keep her, so let her go.
At left is information that Mr.
Smarty Pants read in a book, a
magazine, or the newspaper;
heard on the radio; saw on tele-
vision; or overheard at a party.
Got facts? Write to Mr. Smarty
Pants at the
Chronicle
, or email
mrpants@austinchronicle.com
.
MR. SMARTY PANTS KNOWS
COMIX
LUV
DOC
“Relationships!”
The
Mozart may have died from complications stemming from strep
throat or scarlet fever. His death has also been blamed on
intentional poisoning, rheumatic fever, and trichinosis, a parasitic
disease caused by eating raw or undercooked pork.
Lauren Bacall and Shimon Peres are first cousins.
In 2012, Steve Heydon of the Bohart Museum of Entomology discov-
ered what may be the smallest moth in the world. Looking through
unmounted insects from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, he
noticed a moth about 1mm long. The moth is a new species.
Only one U.S. president has ever received a patent – in 1849,
Abraham Lincoln was given a patent (No. 6469) for a device to
lift boats over shoals.
Do you sneeze when you see bright sky or light? Then you are one
of the 18-35% of humans who have photic sneeze reflex.
NEED SOME ADVICE FROM THE LUV DOC?
SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO luvdoc@austinchronicle.com
TINIEST BAR TEXAS
You: Female, long brown hair, 5’8”,
skirt, walking w/ friend on Thurs-
day, Tiniest Bar in Texas, 2:30pm.
Me: Male, tall, that owns smaller
bar =). Would like to meet again!
When: Thursday, July 17, 2014.
Where: Tiniest Bar in Texas. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #900001
SHOT
DARK
in
the
a