Page 47 - AustinChronicle

Basic HTML Version

a u s t
i n c h r o n
i c
l e
. c om
JULY 25, 2014
T H E A U S T I N C H R O N I C L E
47
When last we encountered Briton David Truscott (2011), he was being jailed
again as a serial trespasser with an unquenchable desire to sneak onto farms
and pleasure himself while rolling around, nude, in manure pits – especially
the farm of Clive Roth near Redruth, England. Truscott apparently emerged
from prison unrepentant and was back in trouble in May with another manure
pit incident, but this time accompanied by threats to harm Roth and his family
and to burn down his farm buildings. (During the most recent incarceration,
Truscott had received mental health treatment that allowed him actually to act
out in a manure pit, and officials believe he took a turn for the worse when that
treatment was curtailed.)
ToileT Training
Enric Girona recently donated his prototype
pet commode to the town of El Vendrell,
Spain, hoping to spark worldwide interest.
Conscientious owners would train their dogs
on the station – a hole in the ground with a
flush handle – which is connected to the
sewer system, as is the drain grid next to it
(for tinkling). The platform, which appears to
occupy about 20 square feet of surface, is
self-cleaning (although not too clean, said
Girona, because dogs are more easily lured
with a lingering scent). Spain is already one of
the world’s toughest on lazy owners who fail
to scoop up after their pets, with fines in El
Vendrell as high as the equivalent of $1,000,
and in Madrid and Barcelona, $2,000.
Took iT Too Far
The New York customer service company
United Health Programs of America provoked
a federal lawsuit in June by the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over its
employee esprit-de-corps policy of requiring
workers to pray to God on the job and to say
“I love you” to their managers. According to
the EEOC, the feel-good, work-harder cam-
paign was suggested by an aunt of United’s
owner and named for an obscure “truth and
compassion” movement called “Onionhead.”
After two third-graders wet their pants on
May 15 at Mill Plain Elementary School in
Vancouver, Wash., they blamed teachers for too
strictly enforcing their classroom’s “rewards”
system, in which good behavior earns students
points redeemable for, among other prizes,
restroom breaks. A teachers’ union investiga-
tion concluded that the girls were never
“denied” toilet access (but the girls’ mothers
pointed out that using restroom breaks as a
“reward” might be confusing to 8-year-olds).
The Japanese snack company Calbee recent-
ly staged a promotion around popular singer
Nana Mizuki, giving away 10 backstage passes
to her Aug. 3 concert in Yokohama to the pur-
chasers of 10 lucky bags of secretly marked
potato chips. Her perhaps hugest fan, Kazuki
Fukumoto, 25, was so determined to win one
that by the time he was arrested for littering in
May, he had bought and dumped 89 cartons of
potato chip packages, weighing over 400
pounds, that were found at six locations around
the cities of Kobe and Akashi. Police estimate
he had spent the equivalent of about $3,000.
Took It Way Too Far: Britain’s news website
Metro.co.uk, combing Facebook pages, locat-
ed a full photo array from prominent 23-year-
old German body-art enthusiast Joel Miggler,
whose various piercings and implants are
impressive enough, but whose centerpieces
are the portholes in each cheek that expose
the insides of his mouth. (With customized
plugs, he can seal the portholes when soup
is on the menu.) The holes are currently
36mm wide, but he was said to be actively
cheek-stretching, aiming for 40mm. Miggler
assures fans that his mother likes “most” of
his modifications and that the worst aspect
so far is merely that he is forced to take
smaller bites when eating. (“News of the
Weird” has reported on researchers creating
portholes in cows’ stomachs, but still ....)
Can’T Possibly be True
1) Until the New York governor and legisla-
ture addressed the problem recently, it was
legal in the state for narcissistic animal own-
ers to force their dogs and cats to endure
permanent, decorative tattoos and piercings.
At press time, Gov. Andrew Cuomo was
poised to sign legislation abolishing the tat-
tooing. 2) Kayla Oxenham, 23, was arrested
in Port Charlotte, Fla., in June and charged
with using a stick to burn “brands” into the
skin of her two children, ages 5 and 7. Among
her explanations to police: so she could iden-
tify them as being hers and because she “for-
got how much she loved fire.”
A Davenport, Iowa, jury convicted terminal-
cancer patient Benton Mackenzie, 48, in July
on four marijuana-growing felonies, even
though his purpose was to harvest cannabis
oil to treat his bloody lesions and the grape-
fruit-sized tumor on his buttocks. The judge
had barred Mackenzie and his lawyer from
even mentioning the illness in court – because
of a 2005 Iowa precedent (even though the
Iowa legislature has subsequently allowed
medical marijuana to treat seizures).
Mackenzie’s wife, his 73-year-old parents, his
son, and a friend were also charged with
assisting Mackenzie’s “operation” (though
Mackenzie was almost surely the only “cus-
tomer”). Mackenzie, who testified and was, of
course, sworn to tell “the whole truth,” said he
was “flabbergasted” to learn that “the whole
truth” excludes anything about his illness.
Municipal engineers in the town of Melton
Mowbray, England, were called out in June to
fix a lingering sewer overrun caused by, they
discovered, “hundreds” of tennis balls that
had apparently each been flushed down toi-
lets. Said the project manager, “We expect
[blockages from fats] and baby wipes, but ....”
a ‘news oF The weird’ ClassiC
(deCember 2009)
The October (2009) “Miss Asia” beauty
pageant in Hong Kong mostly followed a tra-
ditional script, but special bonus competi-
tions were added, according to a report in
The Straits Times
. Contestants appeared
behind boards with only certain body parts
exposed so that judges could comment pub-
licly without knowing which woman they were
evaluating. Breast- and waist-judging turned
out well for each of the three finalists, but
the winner emerged only after the judges had
harsh words for the hair of the other two.
Wang Zhi Fei and Wang Chen learned the
hard way about, respectively, their “lots of
dandruff and oily scalp” and significant
“signs of hair loss.”
Visit Chuck Shepherd daily at
www.newsoftheweird.blogspot.com
(or
www.newsoftheweird.com
).
Send your weird news to: Chuck Shepherd, PO Box
18737, Tampa, FL 33679 or
weirdnewstips@yahoo.com
.
©2014 universal Press Syndicate
R o y T o m p k i n s
by Chuck Shepherd
S tched
www . sw i t c h e d o n a u s t i n . c om
2400 E.Cesar Chavez
{ 5 1 2 } 7 8 2 - 8 8 0 6
V i s i t o u r n ew l o c a t i o n a t :
SYNTHS ! EFFECTS !
KEYS ! PRO AUDIO!
SOUNDS !
A U S T I N ’ S O W N
S Y N T H E S I Z E R
S U P E R S T O R E !